Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Empathy Game
Quick. Think of someone who you think is flat out "wrong" about something. How does that make you feel?
It's funny how we torment ourselves with instant replays of all the ways others "don't get it" or are "causing problems."
I had a client last week complaining bitterly about "the boss," who was clearly "wrong" and my client was clearly "right." Making the case for being right, however, wasn't making anything feel any better and conflict in the workgroup continued unabated.
Ever been in that situation?! I have--way too many times. Perhaps that's why I'm endlessly fascinated by the nature of "difficult conversations."
I often work with clients to trace their own "path to action" (this is a great model from Crucial Conversations that helps people detangle facts from stories and identify feelings that unconsciously drive actions). Here's what the model looks like:
See/Hear (the Facts) --> Tell a Story --> Feel --> Act
When we're tracing another's path to action, it's helpful to assume the other person is a reasonable, caring person whose actions make perfect sense--at least from their unique perspective.
The client with the boss who was "wrong" just couldn't see his boss's recent actions as reasonable or even worthy of respect, so we had a rough start. With some effort, my client realized that he could empathize readily with a perfectionistic (and highly efficient) colleague who was causing a lot of interpersonal conflict. But he could not empathize with his boss, who was taking a stand for a more collaborative culture, until he understood the logic of his boss's different perspective, feelings, and actions.
I asked my client to trace the path to action of someone he doesn't understand--while holding the other as a reasonable, caring person taking logical steps, all based on a unique perspectives and associated feelings.
My client was silent for a minute and then said, "This will be hard, but a really good exercise."
Later, when we returned to the situation with the boss, I playfully remarked that as his kids become teenagers, this "path to action" exercise might become a favorite. He laughed.
Some have called the "path to action" exercise the "empathy game," finding it far more interesting to discover the missing link that makes another's path to action "reasonable" and even "caring"--even if that caring is not expansive enough to include you or the action is hurtful or downright destructive.
Our own work on understanding others' paths to action helps us become more expansive, more empathetic, and thus more able to find common ground. Try it and let me know how it goes.
It's funny how we torment ourselves with instant replays of all the ways others "don't get it" or are "causing problems."
I had a client last week complaining bitterly about "the boss," who was clearly "wrong" and my client was clearly "right." Making the case for being right, however, wasn't making anything feel any better and conflict in the workgroup continued unabated.
Ever been in that situation?! I have--way too many times. Perhaps that's why I'm endlessly fascinated by the nature of "difficult conversations."
I often work with clients to trace their own "path to action" (this is a great model from Crucial Conversations that helps people detangle facts from stories and identify feelings that unconsciously drive actions). Here's what the model looks like:
See/Hear (the Facts) --> Tell a Story --> Feel --> Act
When we're tracing another's path to action, it's helpful to assume the other person is a reasonable, caring person whose actions make perfect sense--at least from their unique perspective.
The client with the boss who was "wrong" just couldn't see his boss's recent actions as reasonable or even worthy of respect, so we had a rough start. With some effort, my client realized that he could empathize readily with a perfectionistic (and highly efficient) colleague who was causing a lot of interpersonal conflict. But he could not empathize with his boss, who was taking a stand for a more collaborative culture, until he understood the logic of his boss's different perspective, feelings, and actions.
I asked my client to trace the path to action of someone he doesn't understand--while holding the other as a reasonable, caring person taking logical steps, all based on a unique perspectives and associated feelings.
My client was silent for a minute and then said, "This will be hard, but a really good exercise."
Later, when we returned to the situation with the boss, I playfully remarked that as his kids become teenagers, this "path to action" exercise might become a favorite. He laughed.
Some have called the "path to action" exercise the "empathy game," finding it far more interesting to discover the missing link that makes another's path to action "reasonable" and even "caring"--even if that caring is not expansive enough to include you or the action is hurtful or downright destructive.
Our own work on understanding others' paths to action helps us become more expansive, more empathetic, and thus more able to find common ground. Try it and let me know how it goes.
# posted by Cindy Marteney @ 4:48 PM 
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